SNP Agree 3 Week Moratorium on Sacking Carlisle

Nicola Sturgeon

In an effort to reach out to the wider U.K  the S.N.P  has declared its intention not to sack Carlisle for at least 3 weeks after the general election.

“There is nothing I would love more right now than some good old fashioned all the family Carlisle bashing but now is a time for compromise” says Nicola Sturgeon.

” I want the SNP to be a positive influence on the U.K as a whole… for roughly 3 weeks.”

However there appeared to be some dissent within party ranks with some demanding the party hold onto Berwick-upon-Tweed in Northumbria:

“That my friend is a whole other kettle of shit!” cried a very Scottish man assumed to be a member of the SNP.

“We are keeping that, that’s fucking ours like” said very Scottish man who had by this point unashamedly de-kilted himself.

Nicola Sturgeon was quick to distance herself from the comments:

“Look I have the utmost respect for very Scottish naked guy. I really do, and swift and brutal annexation is such an ugly phrase.”

“I would probably be willing to swap Berwick for either full independence or a big bag of swag.”

“But on the the 28th of May I am going to walk into Carlisle and punch every man, woman and lamppost square in the balls.”

“As is my duty! As is my right!”