Skye Granny Declares War on Asda


An artist's depiction of the granny

An artist’s depiction of the granny

An old woman from Skye has declared war on Asda because the colour scheme is too close to that of the Co-op. She has launched a campaign of cyber-terror and small-scale bakery events in an attempt to drum up support.

At one such bakery event entitled, Baking Under Restricted Nuts And Salted Dough Additives (B.U.R.N.A.S.D.A), the woman baked cakes in the shape of the word ASDA. She then proceeded to cover the cakes in rat-poison and tried feeding them to employees of the superstore.

She was arrested for this offence and was handed a 3-year jail sentence for attempted poisoning but was let off by the judge after baking him a lovely tray of flap-jacks.

A spokesman for Asda has said, “this woman needs to be locked up. Asda has not been in this much danger since we drunkenly signed that contract with Al-Qaeda allowing them to sell home-made nail bombs in our household section.”

Up to 37 Asda delivery drivers have gone missing over the last two months after visiting the Trotternish area in Skye, the alleged home of the old woman. Asda’s Highland Executive commented earlier saying, “we have absolutely no evidence of what happened to our employees. We keep sending large deliveries to Flodigarry and Digg and they just never seem to get there.”

Some reports claim that a large pile of Asda delivery vans can clearly be seen at the bottom of Kilt Rock, but such reports have yet to be verified as we can’t find anyone who can be arsed going all the way to the north end.