Scottish Tory manifesto to be launched, then launched into space.

The Scottish Tory election manifesto is due to be launched today in a press conference.

Policies are expected to include sprucing up the Highland shooting estates of our Saudi Arabian friends and covering over all Gaelic road signs with pro-union bunting.

This coincides with an event planned for immediately after the conference, whereby all existing copies of the manifesto will be launched to the moon in a big fuck-off catapult.

“We would rather the Tories spread their shit plans for Scotland amongst the stars than in Scotland itself, although we worry about aliens discovering the prospectus and thinking Ruth Davidson is our god” said Campaigners and Catapult enthusiasts.

“We even paid tax on the catapult because we’re not a shower of bastards.”

UKIP have already launched their manifesto which controversially contained a colour by numbers cut-out of Nicola Sturgeon dressed as the Führer.