Nicola Sturgeon Delivers Sermon on the Mound

Nicola Sturgeon has delivered a sermon-like speech at the Mound in Edinburgh to a crowd of 11.4 million Scots.

“Given that there are only around 5.3 millions Scots I think we did pretty well to get 11.4 million of them to turn out at once,” said Sturgeon.

Sturgeon, wearing an uncharacteristic biblical-robes-style power suit, delivered seven of her ten commandments before rushing off to punch David Cameron in the head:

1. Though shalt not vote Labour.
2. Though shalt allow for overtaking on single track roads.
3. Though shalt give the Orkney cheese-making industry the respect it deserves.
4. Though shalt not listen to Gordon Brown again.
5. Though shalt from now on refer to anywhere that votes Labour as England.
6. Though shalt not be a dick to immigrants for most of them are quite sound.
7. Though shalt seriously know what your wanting before you go into the chippy because some of us will be planning to eat that day!

Onlookers then looked on stunned as the heavens very predictably opened and pissed down on everyone.

We asked some of those in attendance to give us their view:

“Just in terms of logistics the mound in Edinburgh is a very bad place to gather people and it rained which was probably her fault.”

“I have no idea where these people have come from. I have stumbled upon several versions of myself in the crowd and I am beyond terrified.”

Others, however, were much more positive:

“I’ll probably just do what she says. She seems to know her shit.”

While some seemed confused but happy to be involved in whatever was going on:

“Alex Salmond is looking fucking fantastic by the way!”