New Staunch Covid Variant Discovered in Glasgow

Experts have warned that a highly deadly, highly staunch variant of Covid-19 has emerged in Glasgow.

“This variant seems to have hit Glasgow’s selfish fucking arsehole wanker community particularly hard” said Scotland’s Chief Medical Officer.

The new staunch variant seems to be transmitted by smashing memorial benches, covering you city in glass, smearing shit over the reputation of your club and beating up your friends.

“If you have travelled to Glasgow to piss all over everyone else’s sacrifices over the last year and bring Covid back to your own communities” please get a test.

“If you have developed a consistent new cough, high temperature or have ever uttered the phrase FENIAN BLOOD” the please, know I hate you, and get a fucking test.

“Who could have predicted this?” sighed literally everyone who isn’t a ferocious bellend.