Michael Gove appointed Minister for St. Kildan affairs

Theresa May has offered an olive branch to Michael Gove by appointing him to a new government department based in St. Kilda.

“This is not a demotion, however giving his track record of betrayal I wouldn’t trust him to be any closer than 554 miles to cabinet” said May.

“There isn’t even a Waitrose there!” she cackled with delight.

The new department will have a total staffing of 1 and will bring the island’s total permanent population up to 1. It will be located on a skerry off the coast of Boreray and it’s main duties will be “processing seabird oil for sustenance” and “thinking very hard about what you’ve done Gove”.

Boris Johnson the new foreign secretary took a break from googling “right now who’s at war chaps?” and countries listed by average bust size to congratulate his co-campaigner and friend:

“I hope you like Gannets,  you smarmy arse badger.”