Man from North Tolsta’s wife turned into pillar of salt by Stornoway Pride parade

Pious and cùramach types have been fleeing Stornoway before the imminent fire and brimstone that will inevitably rain down on Saturday’s Hebridean Pride march.

Murdo Malcolm Murray MacIver, deacon in the Reformed Continuing Presbyterian Church in North Tolsta, escaped the coming cataclysm but unfortunately his wife, Naomi, shared the same fate as Lot’s wife. [Genesis 19]

Mr MacIver told the Gael, “I’ve always believed in loving the sinner and hating the sin and that’s still true. I have nothing against gay men as long as they stay where they should be, at the BBC, in primary teaching or in the Church of Scotland, but we just couldn’t face seeing them doing their terrible acts, knowing each other, in the narrows. The only mince that you should get on Francis Street is the stuff from Willie John’s.”

“I took the wife and packed her in the back of the pick-up but I told Margaret-Ann not to look behind her, but she is just such a noisy bitch and had a peek out the back window and she caught site of a rainbow flag flying from the Harris Tweed shop. Well, she got her just desserts and now she’s a pillar of salt. At least I can grit the drive all winter now.”

In other news, Comhairle Shodom agus Ghomarrah have turned down a planning application for a new Free Church building in the area. A spokesman said “This isn’t about religion, it’s about carparking. The sexual exhaustion clinic on Zoar Street just wouldn’t cope with all the cars of the ministers and elders who would park there.”