Inverness now has more seagulls than St Kilda

Self-proclaimed Capital of the Highlands Inverness has a new claim to infamy. Its ever burgeoning seagull population has just overtaken that of famed double UNESCO site the St Kilda archipelago.

There are now 50 seagulls for every single Invernessian. Suburban streets now ring to the screeches and screams of herring gulls at all hours of the day, boy-racers are seeing their souped up Ford Fiestas caked in guano and Inverness High Street is like that bit in the third Jurassic Park film with the Pterodactyls at lunch times. (Not seen it? It’s a fairly forgettable romp with Sam Neill revisiting his role from the first one.)

Bird expert Kris Peckem said “Seagulls tend to go radge at this time of year because their young are still in the nest. And watch out if the chicks fall out, the parents will literally divebomb a Scottie Dog to death if it goes anywhere near it.”

With over a million birds in the Greater Inverness area, but also our attention drifting, Kris gave us a meaningless comparison to focus our minds, “If you took the number of seagulls in Inverness and put them in Loch Ness it would fill it two fifths of the way up. Bear in mind it is a very big loch.”

And if you’re a local resident thinking that Highland Council can do anything about the situation, all wild birds, even those with caninicidal tendencies, are protected by law.

A spokesman said, “We can do fuck all about them. The only people in the Highlands with more immunity from consequences than seagulls are high ranking Council employees. We are exploring the option of offering the gulls a secondment in a less vital part of the council area like Bettyhill or Kinlochleven as that tends to do the trick usually.”

An offer of help has been received from the 12 men of Ness who say they could clear the City of the flying pests in two weeks with a bit of wire on a pole in return for keeping what ever they catch.