“I saw what you did to Martin Compston” – Paolo Nutini explains why he won’t do gig in Stornoway

Husky voiced Paisley crooner Paolo Nutini is setting Argyll ablaze not just with his customary funny cigs but also his intimate gigs in Oban.

His fellow Renfrewshire celeb Martin Compston set tongues awagging on his recent trip to the Hebrides after announcing he was learning DuoLingo, but don’t expect Paolo to be following suit.

Paolo told the Gael “I saw Martin recently, we were skulling pints after the Old Firm game and I was enjoying a bit of my second favourite green. We were talking about his recent trip to the islands.”

“Honestly P,” he said, “I never got a moment’s peace. I just wanted to go for a succulent Chinese meal, and the tags and notifications from every undersexed maw kardashian bird in the island just kept pouring in.”

“And that’s just the burds he said. Every cunt wanted me to wear their football colours. Cheeky b’stards I said, you’re all big huns up here. To be honest I was glad to get home. If it wasn’t for Phil McHugh doing the driving I’d have might as well not bothered going.”

“That’s too intense for yer man Paolo. I know I’m catnip to the cailleachs, so I’ve decided this wee tour will only go to Oban. Better grass, better craic, better burds and nearer Tiree, the best of all the islands.”