Highland woman now spends 78% of her time using Superzoom filter on Instagram

Marissa Fraser from Muir of Ord has been put into the Guiness Book of Records for 2019 thanks to becoming the human who has spent the highest proportion of her daily life just using the Superzoom filter on Instagram.

Superzoom allows a user to zoom in on something whilst adding a musical sting and a visual effect. It’s use has grown over the last few months as people try and distract themselves from the grimness of Brexit and the fact that within 50 years we will boil alive in the rising oceans.

Marissa said she was cock-a-hoop at the news. (Her boyfriend Gavin was disappointed that this didn’t mean what he initially thought).

“I’m no quite sure myself which one I like best. I think its the Dramatic one that I do when ever I candidly snap my boyfriend when he is sitting on the couch scratching his balls and contemplating how soon I’ll turn into my mother, or it’s that hearts one when I take a picture of the dog we bought to save the awkward chat about having a kid. No wait, it’s that Eastendersy one, that’s a good one when doing sambuca shots with my girls.”

A spokesperson for Instagram said “Highland women make up 34% of all usage of Superzoom across the World, and Highland men who are trying to be ironic as fuck make up a further 10.2%. We’d like to thank these backward teuchter scumbags for making such good use of our app’s more obscure functions.”