Highland Council to save £27m by abandoning Alness to sea; selling Loch Ness to Edward Mountain

With the Highland Council facing mega budget cuts yet again, the Local Authority have decided to take drastic action under new Chief Executive Donna Manson.

Alness, “the so-called “Mogadishu of the North”, is to be allowed to be reclaimed by the sea, with the demolition of Yankee Pier and the construction of two large trenches to allow the Cromarty Firth to swamp the town, condemning the world’s only surviving Neanderthal population to extinction or worse, moving to Evanton.

“This will bring in a net saving of £5 million over a three year period. That’s a hefty amount of moolah in terms of not having to deal with the needs of all the radges who live there.” said a council spokesman.

In another radical step, the Council have taken the opportunity to make a bit of coin by selling all the water in Loch Ness to Tory MSP and multi-millionaire Sir Edward Mountain AKA Ridire Teadaidh nam Beann. “He’s going to empty it and fill it with all his money and tweets about Gaelic road signs and Ian Blackford being rich but significantly not as rich as him.” said a source close to the 4th Baronet.