Grey Squirrels: “Bring it on”

Grey Squirrels across Scotland have responded defiantly to 18 years of us trying to murder them.

In a strongly worded but poorly spelt statement carved on a tree the squirrels declared their intention to resist the cull using any means at their disposal including leaving the shit they pull out of bins on pavements and toning down the cuteness when stared at by children.

“For every one of us that falls a thousand will rise in his place!”  says Bob Sanderson a filthy immigrant squirrel residing in Livingston. “I invite all humans to dine on the nuts of their new fluffy grey overlords!”

The invasive species are believed to have arrived from America in the 17th century when a group led by the infamous Sammy the Squirrel overpowered border police at the then utterly useless Heathrow airport.

Grey Squirrels also known in the scientific community as the “tree pig” or “land Seal” are believed to carry pathogens deadly to the much cuter, friendlier and less American Red Squirrel.

Efforts to promote the grey squirrel as a sustainable and environmentally conscious meat alternative appear to have faltered causing Scottish Natural Heritage to issue fresh advice this week:

“For the love of God stop eating the fucking red ones!”