Escaped raccoon has gone completely radge

Members of the public have been warned not to approach the Highland escaped raccoon because he has gone totally radge.

Scottish Natural Heritage have issued this stark warning:

“This Raccoon is a fucking loon, right enough. He was last spotted slurping a bottle of Frosty Jack’s White Cider under a birch tree, blasting out techno on his Sony Ericsson.”

“He could be a threat and even if he isn’t we should kill him, because he’s not local.”

The raccoon was discovered during a survey for wildcats in the area. According to SNH the native wildcats are “really sound guys, no hassle at all”.

Raccoons are on the list of 50 non native species found in Scotland alongside the Water Rabbit (sometimes known as a Beaver) and the unacceptably foreign crayfish.

This is the most serious raccoon related incident since “Robbie the Raccoon” threatened to crash his Fiat Panda into the Laggan Dam if he wasn’t offered a first team place in Kingussie shinty team.