English lighting falaisgs to celebrate bonfire of EU clean-air regulations

From our Brexit correspondent

The people of Saddleworth Moor in the North (The real North, not Scotland), are celebrating taking back control of their country from the EU Federal Super United States of Europe by adopting an old tradition from the North (not the real North) of Scotland.

Residents of the Lancashire area have been revelling in this ancient Gaelic tradition called a falaisg (pronounced Phall-us-chkkkk) which sees large swathes of moor land set alight each year to provide grazing and fresh growth for game birds to feed on.  However, the practice has become restricted in recent years due to environmental regulations brought in by the EU Commission.

Local Brexit enthusiast, Geoffrey Kendall, said, “When I found out that the EU had banned these heather fires, I thought to myself who are these bureaucrats to tell us, the Great British Public who were are and what parts of our country we can’t set on fire. So I got my pyro nephew Mickey to set a couple of them up the moor.  We have plenty money now we aren’t paying for so much of that red tape in Brussels so the firefighters can keep at it as long as they need to, so Mickey and his mate Dave have been setting some fresh ones.”*

The Saddleworth falaisg has been going for a good while now, but this new found enthusiasm is however not reflected by Geoffrey’s cousin Jeffrey who lives in the South End of Skye. “No, can’t be doing with these old falaisgs me, any time the local crofters start one I’m straight on the blower to the Old Bill.”

*Editors fourth wall breaking note – some nutters down there are actually going out and doing this.