Did some bodach say “Chust Heat”? – Archie does the Seachd Suipearan Challenge

Back on the croft ‘Chust Heat’ was the only way to get food after the Cailleach had retired up after a little read of Ezra or Malachai and the Shipping Forecast, microwaving some fish pie or frying a frozen marag.

But for this longest year, and living in lockdown in Glasgow, his girlfriend Alexandra having escaped home to the Hebs months ago, Archie the intern has been doing the Oidhche nan Seachd Suipearan (Night of the Seven Suppers) challenge for the Latha As Giorra (The Shortest Day) thanks to Mainland Spinoff Just Eat.

Suipear a h-Aon – Iasg agus Slìseagan

What’s more British than Fish and Chips? Genocide? Brexit madness? Generally hoodwinking the yanks with a prim accent and a liking for tea and talking about the weather whilst just being a proper actual arsehole nation? Nothing beats a bit of Cod and Chips innit? Got those from the Blue Lagoon. Decent. 7/10.

Suipear a Dhà – Piotsa

What’s the Gaelic for Pizza? At least we have our own spelling of it you dimwitted monoglot prune. Went for Ham and Pineapple. It was a popular dish for years until soft minded pricks made it into some sort of meme that Pineapple shouldn’t be on pizza. No, children shouldn’t go hungry in the UK and Marcus Rashford shouldn’t have to guilttrip governments into basic human decency. Co-dhiù, got this from oen of the places down form the park, had better, base was pre-made, mozza was a bit gummy. 4/10

Suipear a Trì – Shish Kebab

Cha tèid mi faisg air an Doner, ach chan eil am beat air Shish! This saved the night from a down turn, lamb was fantastic. Genuinely could swear I’d known this sheep personally. Not romantically of course, despite the rumours. Still didn’t touch the sweaty salad they put in the bag. A lovely 9/10, would munch again. Delivered by the same guy as the Fish and Chips and he looked concerned for my health.

Suipear a Ceithir – Coiridh Dearg Tàidheach le Muasgan-Chaolais

Better get used to eating seafood, because there’s a helluva lot of prawns not going on their winter vacay to Espana this fleeking Navidad. This was interesting, creamy and colourful, a bit like that Thai show I went to at the Edinburgh Fringe, very intriguing, even a little enjoyable but not something I’d be rushing to do again. 6/10.

Suipear a Còig – Dominoes

I’m a basic bitch. What else can I say? As the stamag fills up, only one way to fill that brù, only a Dominoes will do. On a Dominoes scale this was 8/10, in terms of actual food 3/10. Chan eil aithreachas orm. Even had a can of the new Bru to wash it all down. Going strong still.

Suipear a Sia – Half a pack of Rice Krispies

As my gourmet burger from some hipster joint didn’t turn up. Thought I’d better stock up on some fibre before I entered the food coma. Filled the frying pan with cereal and bainne, but forgot I’d fried guga in it a couple weeks ago. Not saying that was a bad thing, reminded me of bowling a perfect game at Spòrs Nis. And by that, I mean no gutter balls. This was an absolute fleeking 10/10, and when I sprinkled half a pack of Tate and Lyle on the top, turned that sun of a bitch up to 12. Genuinely feel like I’m going to burst though.

Suipear a Seachd – Biadh Sìneach

What better way to finish of the Seachd Suipearan Challenge than with some Sweet and Sour? It’s been that kind of year, some sourness, some sweetness, and it all started in China as well. Alexandra let me use her Netflix even though we haven’t spoken for a few months, but you know things are fine, could be worse, the editorial team might still be making me go swim in Oban harbour way before the wild swimming lark was groovy. As Chinese food goes, this was decent solid 5/10. My cac tomorrow will hopefully be around that grading too.

Diet starts next Monday