COP26 – The Best Teuchter Pubs To Drink In Glasgow

Fàilte gu Glaschu – Baile Mòr nan Gàidheal – Are you a foreign delegate at COP26? What better place to save the world and South Uist from drowning in seawater ice cap melt than by drowning your sorrows at being patched by some XR crusty who was giving you positive vibes in one of Glasgow’s many teuchter pubs which are “hoachin” with the many Gaelic speakers who a bunch of cunts on twitter claim to have never met? We guarantee that if you go to a pub with a proper Gaelic name then you’ll be grand.

Here’s our top guide to getting Greta Thunberged.

1. THE PARK BAR – Taigh Òsta na Pàirce

Where the UK delegation will be hanging out, gleefully belting out Teann a-nall and hitting the bacardi and lemonades. Michael Gove might pop in to do a Canadian Barn Dance or two. Party back at the Govesters? All it will cost is your soul.

2. THE ISLAY INN – Taigh Òsta Ìleach

The Russians will be here, or they might not be. No-one is too sure, someone said they might be hanging out here and you head up to see them but it turns out they left, or maybe they are round the side, you’re too drunk on vodka to notice and so are they, you see them at a house party in Kelvindale later on, but you spend the time with them playing Scooter too loud until the cops come but the Russians leave you to deal with them because they claim they were never there.

3. THE SNAFFLE BIT – An t-Snaffle

All the Scandis are just vibing here. It’s all nice sweaters, a lot of sweet talk about eco-this and green-that but really they just want to get blazing like the rest of us and drive volvoes and saabs which means they fit in with all the Sgitheanachs who hang around the place. The lack of Carbon footprint from not changing the carpet for 40 years works in its favour though.

4. THE LISMORE – Lios Mòr

The thrill of pissing on some dead Highland Clearance coves name is all very well and good, but did you know this is where the Japanese will be chilling out? A good range of top shelf Sake and the fact that early noughties Footstompin’ Forum pricks hungout here whilst also gaining a cult following in Kyoto attracts the people of the land of the rising sun in their thousands each year.

5. THE BEN NEVIS – Beinn Nibheis

Because this pub is famous for being named after a horse, which then bet on the mountain outside Fort William winning the race to be tallest mountain, the Saudis are there, like the Aga Khan’s stud stallions pumping a mare. That’s a guess, none of us are rich enough to drink in this pub anymore, it might well be the Vulcans or the Ewoks who will drink in this pub nowadays- probably a few Trad musicians as well which the Sheikh’s will lap-up but of course the Sauds won’t touch the drams.

6. DEOCH AN DORUS – Hayburn Vaults

The Vatican won’t be getting in the door, put it that way. Leanaidh Leanaidh.

7. ÒRAN MÒR – The Big Sang and hame o the pie and the pint and a play – all abooot the banter

Where the Aussies hang out because Oran Mòr’s got nothing to do with Gaelic in the same way the Aussies have nothing to do with this global warming hoax cobber.

8. THE GROVE and all other pubs in the vicinity

Most of the rest of the COP will end up here or some other place, because like the rest of the conference they’re just sick and tired of bumping into Janet and Calum from Sgoil Thingummijig/Brad from the US delegation for the seventy ninth weekend/conference climate crisis in a row. But they’ll still head to Malones to try and find a party or a ride.

9. SLANJ

No this is a badly spelt Kilt place.