Brexit forces closure of Stornoway’s bustling French Quarter

Stornoway’s ancient and beloved French Quarter is to be closed due to the incomprehensible f*ckery of Brexit.

Stornoway’s only French person is to be deported – to Harris.

“It’s a slippery slope from fresh croissants with a morning Latte to salted herring with a morning dram” said one despondent resident.

“Brexit is like being awarded a penalty, but scoring an own goal while accidentally tearing out your pubes” said the Leader of Comhairle nan Eilean Siar.

Visitors have come to associate Stornoway with latin flair, sexual promiscuity and black-pudding based cajun cuisine.

“None of that” said one noble Brexiteer while slamming a fistful of grey herring into his gammon pink jaw.