Angry music industry workers reach Derby, Boris prepares to flee

Musicians and music industry workers have taken a break from banging on and on on Facebook about the fact their livelihoods are fucked and instead have organised a New Model Army which has swept down from Scotland through England and has reached Derby, causing panic in London.

Newly promoted Colonel Dave McQueen, a stage technician at various Scottish venues over the years said “Turns out our viable skills were exactly the viable skills you need for mounting a successful military campaign. If I can put up and take down Beyonce and Bryan Ferry’s stages, pop off to do the Tattoo in Edinburgh, and still get the Hydro ready for a tennis match in 36 hours, then I can liberate the British Isles from a mad toff womble and his regime in 72.”

Dave continued “The British Army really can’t do what I can do in terms of logistics, transports and pyrotechnic explosives. If I’d been in charge of the invasion for Iraq you’d have had a Little Mix concert or whichever girlband was popular at that time in the mid-noughties playing to jubilant crowds in Baghdad by the end of the second day. We’d have won Al-Qaeda over with a jumbotron and Brian McFadden playing support.”

Jenny Nutall, a spokessaxophonist for the new army said “It’s great to see everyone get stuck in with their viable skills. Well the pipers, not much changed there, it’s actually kind of ironic to be sweeping away the last vestiges of the British Empire to the skirl of the Great Highland Bagpipe. We’ve got the singer-songwriters out on the front too, turns out that there’s something even more effective at killing fascists than guitars! Yes you’re correct, pointed satirical songs!”

“Artist Liasons are keeping us well hydrated with sparkling water and hummus, the lighting crews are keeping the searchlights up for bombing raids, and of course the clarsach players were first over the top, as in no great mischief, they’re hardy from years of lugging those bloody things around. I’d also like to give a shoutout to Gary on the sound-desk because he’ll get fucking pissy if I don’t. We’ll have Boris on a boat back to Turkey by the end of the second encore.”

Officially the Boris regime claim that they expect to stop the invading force before the symbolic Watford gap, chosen purely because Elton John used to own the football team there and Dominic Cummings has the greatest hits CD in the car, and are hopeful that they can survive as there are some musicians and music workers backing the Government side, Morrissey obviously, as well as a feared militia of non-Irish bodhran players, most soundmen and the guys who do ripoff t-shirts outside the venue for a quarter of the price.

A London Taxi driver said “I saw the Clash in 1745 guv. Your Bonnie Prince Charlie never got to the gig in time, left ‘is tickets on the ‘all table in Culloden didn’t ‘e? ‘Ad to turn around, same thing’ll ‘appen with this.”