After Ruth. What next for Scottish Unionism?

There were many things to disagree with Ruth Davidson on. From a Gael’s perspective, the fact that her party encouraged and tried to exploit anti-Gaelic feeling to score cheap political points against the SNP, with ill regard to the many Gaelic speakers who are, for better or worse, devoted Unionists, was a great disappointment, considering the party’s previous support for many positive developments for the language. However, now she’s been packed off to the same farm that Wendy Alexander got sent to, we hope she does a Gary Innes and actually fulfils our satirical article from a few months back and becomes a Mòd mum. You’ll be more than welcome at the cèilidh but we will have to means test you sorry Ruth.

However, the resignation of BBC Scotland’s erstwhile employee and big Tide Lines fan leaves a big hole in Scottish Unionism’s vanguard. The Daily Gael looks at the options that those who value the Precious Union™️ might have to stop the drive for Scottish Independence.

1. BBC Scotland bring back the Krankies

A recent Lord Ashcroft Poll showed that younger voters were completely bamboozled by their Uncle George commenting on their pro-Yes statuses that he couldn’t believe that they were taken in by Wee Jimmy Krankie’s spiel. Seeing as the Krankie haven’t been on mainstream TV since around 1989, this major policy plank of comparing Nicola Sturgeon to the schoolboy character played by Janette Tough is struggling to get traction these days.

“Ah jus dinnae ken what the aul prick is oan aboot. Is that no the wee beastie fae Pinocchio?” said Linsey McCall, 38, from Balbeggie. “Whit? Sum aul wifie dresses up as a schoolboy and pretends to be her maun’s bairn? That’s sick shit, where’s the netflix boxset aboot that?”

Chances of this happening: 3/10 – The New BBC Scotland Channel makes us actually appreciate BBC Alba, burned in subtitles and incongruous Beurla and all, all the more, so getting the Krankies back on could polish that particular hipster turd. Whether it would save the Union is another matter.

2. Lovebombing

Sorry, that should say Love Bombing. The British love bombing things going back many years and who better to show the love that the rest of the UK has for Scotland by blowing up huge parts of it using the RAF. It’ll just be like an Air Show but with all the Taxpayer money going to good use, stopping English taxpayers whinging about their money going to support the Jocks. It would even improve Yes-voting cities like Dundee if they were levelled by a nuclear bomb.

Chance of this happening: 2/10 – Probably a last resort, with Brexit making funds tight, but a little restricted military action always brings the nation together and keeps the chattering classes happy that although their taxes are being wasted at least they are blowing poor people to bits in a foreign country.

3. Ross Thomson

For most ordinary Scots, the prospect of Ross Thomson’s embrace would surely have them welcoming the fiery death from falling ordinance described in option 2, but wait, don’t go away, the former ‘store trainer’ at Debenhams according to Wikipedia (we assume the right trainer they put out on the rack so you can’t nick a pair) is surely the man to lead Scotland as part of the Empire 2.0. The Pride of Aberdeen South is a man who can work with Boris Johnson and reach out and touch young voters.

Chances of the happening: 6/10 – There is a supposedly an app where you can order a Ross Thomson and it’ll appear at your door in half an hour. Ain’t nothing like the real thing! Make it happen for North Britain: The Banter Years.

4. Threatening that an independent Scotland will not see the last two series of Peaky Blinders

At the last Indy Ref, it was a concern as to how people in Scotland would get to see shows like Eastenders, Doctor Who and Spooks. How on earth would these shows which are sold aroudn the world and are available on Netflix in hundreds of countries actually be available to people in Scotland? Unthinkable. So with Peaky Blinders fever at its pick, threaten to ban Scotland from getting the planned two more series of Peak Blinders. “Tell them Tommy said no, by Ohduh of the Peaky Blindahs.”

Chance of this happening: 10/10 – In the event of a referendum, somebody, somewhere will definitely plug this as a possibility. It’ll be a load of pish, but someone will believe it.

5. Your mum and dad decide to screw their kids and future generations over again

Let’s face it, it’s the likes of your dad, who got told that the European Union runs Chem Trails, mad Uncle Neil, with his “I was born British, and intend to die British” schtick, auntie Marlene, who is seeminlgy determined to cause some form of mistrial in the ongoing Alex Salmond case, and your mum, Linda with her “Oh I’m just not convinced” mantra, there’s probably a good bunch of them about still who’ll vote against the idea of independence again out of a deep-seated resentment at their kids still needing to sponge off them thanks to 10 years of austerity and general still struggling to get over Argentina 1978 and years of Daily Record reading.

Chance of this happening: 9/10 – You know in your heart of hearts that the olds are gonna bottle it again eh?

6. Willie Rennie