4 Top Tips for ruining the Christmas Work Night Out

  1. Order everything “shaken not stirred”.

Regardless of what you are having order it “shaken and not stirred”. Your colleagues will laugh the first time. Be prepared for this. Prawn Cocktail – shaken not stirred. Fillet Steak – shaken not stirred. “We are going to have to ask your colleague to leave” – shaken not stirred.

  1. Call your boss Mum

Akward. Repeatedly call your boss Mum. If your boss is male even better. Remember to maintain eye contact throughout this process. Cry when he / she doesn’t respond if the moment takes you.

  1. Bring your real Mum

Seeing you adopt a new  – possibly male- mother will break your own mother’s heart. This will significantly increase level’s of awkwardness. Accuse your colleagues of neglect for not bringing their own mothers.

  1. Write “give me a redundancy package” on everything in lipstick.

Subtly hint at your desire to move on by covering mirrors, napkins and colleagues with a lipstick cry for help. Let the laughs roll in. Thank both of your mothers for a lovely meal before phoning a taxi – shaken not stirred.