Wolves to be Reintroduced to Matalan


In a shock decision, Scottish National Heritage has decided to postpone plans to reintroduce wolves to the wilds of northern Scotland, and now appears to favour three new sights all within existing Matalan superstores.

“Matalan is full of easy-to-catch prey and their customer loyalty scheme is second to none.”

“The wolves will be enticed to stay by all the slow-moving prey shuffling about and the customers will keep coming to buy shit crockery at low prices” says Sally Magnusson of Scottish Natural Heritage.

“If we stick them in Caithness they might get carried off by a Sea Eagle, or eaten by a crofter.”

However, many within Matalan have expressed doubt about the plans:

“We are both flattered and confused by SNH’s proposals,” says company spokesperson Stephen Hartridge. On one hand it is nice to see the company getting publicity, but I am also worried about being torn apart by wolves”.

But some within the company were pleased with the proposals:

“Some doubted my decision to introduce a herd of red deer to the store in 2009,” says Perth superstore manager Ronald Jamieson”.

“These wolves will help to keep the deer numbers in check in-store and allow us to focus on our exciting new menswear range, and the continued success of our native woodland regeneration projects.”

Scottish National Heritage are pleased with current proposals and look set to continue with other proposals, such as reintroducing the endangered wolverine to Edinburgh airport and smallpox to 1st class stamps.