“We boiled that haggis alive”.

Theresa May is currently sleeping off a hearty Burn’s night meal after devouring Scotland’s national animal – the unicorn.

“The meat was a little tough, but it suffered which was nice” laughed May.

After washing down a Diet Irn Bru like a monster she proceeded to mercilessly boil a Haggis to death.

“Such a precious union of nations” burped May.