“Where the fuck did all the trees go?” says Leading Academic


Leading American environmental scientist Jacob Williamson has expressed some concern as to the health of Scotland’s native woodland in his latest documentary. Williamson found evidence of there being no trees at all, where previously there had been “literally nothing but trees”.

“Aaaaaargh! Holy Fuck! What did you do?! How is it even possible to fuck things up this badly!?! Nobody could possibly need this much wood.”

The report also condemned a lack of willingness and resources devoted to woodland regeneration projects:

“You were given one fucking job. Don’t kill the trees! And what did you do? What one initiative did you bring in to save the woodland? You reintroduced fucking beavers. Literally the only predator that hunts trees.

In 20 years’ time you will all be tending to hordes of starving beavers and tossing artificial cabers.”

However, the documentary has been met with derision by many Scottish academics:

“Trees are probably the worst type of wildlife,” says Iain Farguahar of Glasgow University. “When was the last time you saw a tree bring down a gazelle, or engage in a complex display of flight? Exactly. Bastards.

“I would like to see each and every one of them turned into a desk or a shoe rack before 2023.”

Williamson’s stated aim is to shed new light on a culture of environmental neglect in Scotland:

“Something has gone very wrong in your country. When I arrived at Glasgow airport there was a picture of a smiling man in a kilt pouring sulphuric acid on a Beech sapling.”