Tory Minister to Russians: Back off, we’ve got this.

UK Defence Minister Gavin Williamson has said that Russia is planning attacks on Britain which might kill thousands.

“The bloody Russkies plotting to destroy the UK’s Infrastructure and cause thousands of deaths? Rather rum of these chaps to do that. Don’t they realise that’s our job?”

“We’re committed to ensuring that thousands die due to cuts in benefits for the most vulnerable and we’re doing a damn fine job of destabilising Western Europe ourselves, so we don’t need Mr Putin coming over here and saying ‘Hold our vodka, we’ve got this.'”

“If you could imagine the domestic and industrial chaos that this would actually cause. What they would do is cause the chaos and then step back, and we’ve been doing that since privatisation in the 80s.”

In reply, the Russian Embassy hit back. “Mr Williamson obviously lives in a fantasy realm, and so what, we already own most of London anyway.”

“In fact, we’ll nuke Alness for free and do us both a favour.”