Storm Caroline upgraded to Storm Calum Alec

Intensifying winds have resulted in Storm Caroline being upgraded and hastily renamed Storm Calum Alec.

“With a good island name like Calum Alec we know this storm won’t be f*cking around” said a Met Office spokesperson.

“Just to be clear this isn’t a sexist thing. We spent hours discussing the merits of calling it Storm Dolina but we didn’t want to cause unnecessary panic”.

The Western Isles are frequently buffeted by 90 mile winds as God’s punishment for the Sunday ferries and the unspeakable thing you did on the mainland.