Storm Abigail upgraded to “normal Hebridean weather”

Frantic preparations are beginning on the mainland after the MET office upgraded their warning for storm Abigail” from Yellow: be prepared to “normal Thursday in Lochmaddy”.

Those residing on the mainland are advised to ensure that all family members are well versed on the rules of all the shit board games being kept under the stairs in case Netflix dies.

Island residents are being advised to continue their unending daily battle against being blown into the Minch and to adequately ballast cats, dogs, crofts and the elderly.

The warning comes after an ill prepared and balloon laden croft house became airborne during a spout of normal weather taking it’s elderly widowed owner and a young Asian-American tourist with it. The event inspired both the hit movie “Up” and much unwanted tourism on the Isle of Scalpay.