SFA announce Fort William’s Claggan Park as new national stadium

In a sensational move the Scottish Footbal Association has ruled out bids from Hampden and Murrayfiled to host international fixtures – instead favouring Fort William FC’s Claggan Park.

“When people think of Fort William the first thing that springs to mind is fast paced one touch attacking football” said Chief Executive Stewart Reagan.

“We expect soft continentals will succumb to exposure or midgie induced blood loss during the first half. This should give us a sportsmanly home advantage. Nice. “

“I’d like to see Cristiana Ronaldo try and run rings around us while wearing a thermal blanket, a snorkel and 8 billion midges.”

”Our European friends probably won’t have played on a pitch that is legally underwater before either. Marginal gains and all that.”

The SFA were also keen to make a positive progressive case for the move:

“Claggan Park has pretty much infinite capacity as people can just sit on Ben Nevis drinking tins”.

“This stadium has always been of national importance. More goals have been scored at Claggan Park (against Fort William FC) than any and all other stadia in Scotland.”

Yes we look forward to welcoming visitors…to their deaths..at scenic Claggan Park.