Police Scotland on Dunvegan station closure “We pretty much only use the Police Station to take a dump.”

A war of words has broken out between Police Scotland and Dunvegan Community Council over the manning of their closure-threatened station.

A national “consultation” into the “possible” closure of 53 stations, including Dunvegan, was launched in November last year and is due to “conclude” at the end of this “month”.

A spokesman for Police Scotland said this week that the Dunvegan station “Has pretty much been an expensive shitter for the last 5 years”. He added: “We also have a bottle of kia-ora in there if the lads want a drink of squash on their rounds, but yeah its pretty much just used to take a dump from time to time.”

However, an online statement by Dunvegan  Community Council stated: “The police station is not unoccupied. There is a battalion of 52 officers monitoring the area twenty four seven, with helicopter over-flies ever half hour in order to keep the local Crips and Bloods from clashing with the Incomer Pensioner street gangs. They are the best riot officers in Western Europe.”

“If the station is closed our community will inevitably spiral into a Mad Max-esque chaos except with Danny MacAskill-style BMXs instead of the iconic Pursuit Special from the original films.”

“That actually sounds pretty cool” said Police Scotland in response.