“I’ll just vote for the puffin with the orange rosette” says Shetland voter

With Shetland’s long term MSP Tavish Scott and infrequent Gaelic-Basher off to take up a new post working the pie stall at Murrayfield on game days, the Oil-Rich Totally Viking But Not GodFearing Northern island group prepares for a by-election on the 29th of August.

Whilst the SNP send every big gun they have up to Lerwick and the other bits (we want to say Unst and Yell, or are they Orkney, not sure), to support their candidate Tom Wills, the LibDems are depending on two factors to hold on to the a seat which has remained stubbornly LibDem since yer grandad was a glint in a passing Viking marauders eye; The so-called Swinson Bounce, or JoJoMania as it has been dubbed by the Sullom Voe chattering classes (is that not where they scuttled the German fleet? No that was Scapa Flow, that one’s definitely Orkney – Ed) and the fact that Shetlanders will literally vote for anything if it has LibDem on it, because they are as close to Bergen as they are to Edinburgh or something like that.

“Ghenghis Khan would win by a mile here if he stood as LibDem if I’m honest. Big Ally C showed that we’ll vote for any old rogue from that party. I have no idea who Beatrice Wishart is, she could be a puffin with an addiction to cheap smack off the boats that come into Scalloway for all I know, but she’s getting my vote because my grandad voted LibDem, and his father before him, and his father before him, and before that, well we are raiding up as far as North America.” said Shetland’s Cameron Stout (not the one from Orkney, we know that at least duh).

In other candidate news, there’s a hoora bunch of independent councillors running for the craic, some Green, a UKIP loon, a Labour person and the magnificently titled, but obviously trying to hide his dastardly evil plans Tory, Brydon Goodlad.

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We’d like to publicly apologise for this article to the people of Shetland (in particular the crew at Da Bonxie) and will allow them to buy us a drink in order to let us hear their side of the story when we visit next summer.