Holiday Home Owners Looking Forward to not Visiting Scotland


Owners of private summer homes in the Scottish Highlands are looking forward to another summer spent as far away from them as possible.

It is estimated that 12 in every 9 homes in the Highland region is owned by someone who either doesn’t know where the house is or actively hates it.

“We bought a picturesque country cottage in Kiltartly about four years ago and we plan on visiting as soon as soon as climate change renders our favourite spot in the Maldives uninhabitable or just shit” says Marjory Taylor of Holton-on-stairs.

“I love sitting in with the wife around a roaring fire sipping on a glass of single malt Whisky staring at pictures of the cottage on Google Maps, shouting “madainn mhath” at the screen like demented wrens.”

“I would never visit though. I hear that last year an entire Chinese coach tour was abducted by nationalist midges.”

Other holiday home owners however have expressed growing frustrations:

“I have yet to see any real evidence that the Highlands of Scotland actually exist. Last time I tried to drive up the A9 I ended up re-materialising in Kent like a game of fucking Pac-man.”

“Nobody actually lives in the Highlands. It’s like Antarctica or Butlins.”

“I should have just gone to North Wales like my brother! “

“Wales may be shit but at least it exists.”