Highland pets running away from home just sick of humans’ patter

With record numbers of Cats and Dogs going missing, a Highland based group of pets who have recently been found said it was because they were generally tired of their owners’ pish patter.

Local dog Barra said “Lockdown has been a pain in our non-extant balls for my kind. Locked up in the house with people who objectify us for social media content and exploit us through anthropomorphization. And don’t get me started on that hooman pish that some of you post. I have better pronunciation and spelling than you yah prick I just don’t have any vocal cords, do you think I like to have to use my body language and that stupid barking sound to communicate my basic needs?”

“We understand you’re lonely, we get that thanks to the Lewis Capaldi songs you whistle when we’re out doing the loop for the fourth time every day. But it’s even tougher being a dog in Lockdown. Lockdown has lasted 3 and a half years in dog years so far, so I took my chance for a bit of freedom and belted off up a forest track.”

Barra’s great escape was curtailed thanks to the tyrannical animal tracking system known as Facebook. “Before I could go a couple of miles it was all over the local (wife) swap and share page. You people put more effort into finding your pets than you do a vaccine for Covid. I was rounded up after two great days of chasing rabbits by a family whose kids had been drawing pictures of me for wanted, I mean missing posters. I’m a dog after all, I can appreciate the cuteness of that. I’m glad to be home tbh, just wish I had my balls.”

Responses on local media were profound and emotional. When Sharon (42) shared the post after Barra had been found. “Dogs (sic) been found Jill.” said Sharon “Phew, that’s a relief. Hope your (sic) we’ll (sic) my lovely” replied Jill.

A spokespiseag for the Cats, Mogan said “If it’s been hard for the dogs, it’s been even harder for the cats. I’m a cat after all. I’m not one for hanging about in the same house all day, and these so-called owners have been stealing our swag, lazing in the sun, scratching themselves in weird places, resorting to litter trays. But we’re not going to be responsible for breaking quaratine, we weren’t going to be popping into the four other households where we get fed in the middle of pandemic. We’ll leave the contempt for humanity to humanity.”