Highland Lib Dems to Begin 8-Month Victory Toast

 

Incumbents Danny Alexander and Charles Kennedy  trying to avoid mentioning how fucked they are.

“Remember Charles, don’t mention how fucked we are.”

Lib Dem candidates across the Highland region are due to begin their 8-month victory toast in preparation for sweeping the board at the 2015 Westminster election.

The event is scheduled to begin with a champagne reception in the Marriott Inverness this Wednesday and will end at a house party or swing park in December.

“We needed a change of strategy. Highlanders feel alienated by policies inflicted on them from London… by us,” according to top Lib Dem strategists.

“The people of the Highlands want to elect someone they can relate to and who best understands their needs. Polls suggest that the best way to do this is by going full-on radge for 8 months in a Wetherspoons”.

“They want an MP who can crush a whole can of Fosters with his head and who knows how to fight young men wearing caps. An MP who is not afraid to use the ‘c word’ at a Westminster cocktail party or visit Shetland twice a year.”

“As of tomorrow I want all Lib Dem candidates to dress like badass lumberjacks or at very least well-to-do crofters and start drinking merrily while ignoring the polls.”

“For fuck’s sake don’t look at the polls!… This, friends, is how we win.”

Highland Lib Dems include long-serving veterans such as former party leader Charles Kennedy and tragic stooge Danny Alexander.

Danny Alexander’s brief but glittering career includes such honors as becoming an internet meme and taking the blame for all the bad things. He is often affectionately known as the fourth and shit Musketeer.

Kennedy has served as an MP since 1983 and became the first openly ginger man to lead a British political party.

We contacted Mr. Kennedy for his view of the situation:

“Admittedly, we would have preferred to see a poll showing something other than crushing and humiliating defeat before the victory celebrations kicked off, but I put it to you, Mr. Journalist, that you do not fully comprehend the lengths I will go to for a regular free bus out of Fort William.”