God Forgives Sunday Ferry


God released a statement on Saturday night officially releasing Caledonian MacBrayne Ltd. from their forthcoming date with Hell.

The struggling deity said that “although the Sunday ferry sailings are the biggest sin since Adam nicked that fucking apple, thus ruining everyone else’s life since, I am prepared to forego my damnation of the Sunday ferries in return for a subsidy towards my plans for creating billions of tons more coal.”

Reports seem to suggest that his Godness, God, took part in lengthy discussions with CalMac and Highland Council regarding the deal. In an interview earlier this morning, the Arch-Angel Gabriel commented: “This deal is a great thing for God, CalMac and the Highland community. Instead of CalMac burning in Hell for millennia, the whole of the Highlands will have millennia worth of coal which they can use to heat their homes, cover everything in soot, and eventually die of brutal coal-induced cancer.”

God intends to fill the Minch with coal thus making Lewis easier to access at the same time as poisoning its air with coal fumes. Highland councillor, Donald Stevenson noted that “I always thought getting rid of a large piece of sea was a good idea. As they say in Harris, ‘God is great… but coal is better.”

A CalMac spokesman said, “This is a great move for us. It means we don’t have to sail to Lewis anymore. We can just drive through the enormous quarry that used to be the Minch. Great!”