Ed Milliband Inflicts crushing Defeat on Ed Milliband

Ed Milliband is celebrating after inflicting a crushing defeat on himself.

“We really showed those pricks” said Miliband. I fought my own brother to stop a Miliband getting into number ten and I certainly was not going to be fooled by my own brilliant strategy.”

“That stunt with Russell Brand was a stroke of genius. Even I started to doubt that Ed Miliband had it in him/ me to lead this country.”

“I really admire the way that Ed stuck to his principles and continued to be just terrible enough to ensure a conservative victory defying constant pressure from his own party to be less shit” reveals Prime Minster David Cameron.

“I admire his guts, if not his abilities or general mannerisms.”

We put it to Mr. Milliband that regardless of any personal vendetta against himself, this result must surely come as a shock.

“5 more years” he whispered softly through a mouthful of dry Nescafe instant.