Dogs are ‘no longer man’s best friend’ as war escalates

General Michael 'the Machine' Robinson

General Michael ‘the Machine’ Robinson

Tensions are at saturation point as the latest peace-deal was shattered yesterday when a man pooed in the middle of Crufts.

The incident comes after long-term unrest between the human and dog populations. The crisis started after a man berated his dog for peeing on the rug. Many dogs were outraged at the man’s reaction and started protesting in March last year. This was followed by skirmishes in the Highland region where it is said Contin, Garve and Achanalt are still under Dog-led Occupation.

Some humans have joined the dogs in their impromptu war. One dog-sympathiser, John MacPhail, said ‘I always liked dogs better than humans. Then again, I never really had any friends. But that might be because I have four legs, a tail and can’t speak.’

Recent reports suggest that the 21st Armoured Chihuahua Brigade has broken through on the eastern front at Brora. Their assault came after an attempted assassination of the General Chihuahua at Golspie. The assault was said to have been supported by the 3rd Jack Russell Heavy Artillery Division and the 12th Cocker Spaniel Light Infantry Regiment.

We caught up with Colonel Richards of the Scots Guards at the front line. ‘We have hopelessly underestimated their strength. I mean, where the fuck did they get 900 Leopard Type-2 tanks from? Those Chihuahuas are brutal! Everyone run away!’

An MOD spokesman said ‘I don’t think we’ll be able to hold out. They’ll be in London by Friday.’ However, a Mòd spokesman commented, ‘this is great. I love dogs. Border collies are my favourite. They’re just so intelligent. And they’ve got beautiful eyes.’