David Cameron Appeals to Fictional Prospering Youth

David Cameron pretending to be mobbed by One Direction

David Cameron has given a speech to a large gathering of imaginary well-to-do 18 to 24 year olds who have prospered under five years of coalition government.

Cameron addressed the hordes of non-present young people outside Parliament and congratulated them at great length for pulling themselves up by their bootstraps despite his frequent attempts to crush them.

Pretend George Daniels feels that he has the “best years of his life” ahead of him, as tuition fees do not apply to students who maintain a full-time residence in England, and don’t exist. 

“Frankly, the last 5 years would have been a terrible time to exist, and anyone that foolishly chose to do so has only themselves to blame… especially if they also decided to be poor, or foreign.”

Cameron, between stifled fits of laughter, spelled out new and exciting policies such as perpetuating austerity, selling off social housing so that it can then be sold on for inflated prices in three years, and banning the poor.

We attempted to speak to some real young people who had gathered on the fringes, but most of them simply waved zero-hours contracts at us which they were unable to read because of the hike in tuition fees.

Cameron has a busy schedule to keep in the run-up to the general election, and today is due to speak to struggling actors pretending to be enthusiastic and under-worked public sector workers, as well as a hedgerow shaped like a successful small business.