COP26: Nations agree to send at least one slightly intense citizen each to learn Gaelic by 2040

Whilst some of COP26’s more ambitious climate crisis policies have been bogged down by wrangling, there was one bright spot for host country Scotland’s endangered ancient tongue, Gaelic.

Over the last few decades, countries from outwith Scotland have produced a wide variety of learners, some sound as fuck, some absolute fruitloops, who have helped keep the language alive.

These have ranged from loveable but curmudgeonly academics; Celtic nationalists from other parts of the Atlantic Fringe; messiah complex radical leftists who moan about colonialism but get pissed off that generational trauma means islanders can’t spout Dwelly’s on command; and to absolute alt-right rocaidean who have pomme frites on both gualainn at the lack of gratitude from the vernacular Gael for their beneficence, but without fail they are all usually pretty àraid.

The World’s Governments have therefore agreed to take it in turns to make sure that more countries around the World will send more of their slightly intense citizens who get into Gaelic via Julie Fowlis CDs or Outlander or neo-paganism to Scotland by 2040. The hope is that these “super-learners” will help combat language decline, but some say the technology is not quite there. Western Isles Congresswoman Alexina Opel Corsa criticised the agreement. “Duolingo is just fiddling round the edges. We need concrete action, and we need concrete action now. If we’re to meet out targets, we need bold ambitious action.”

Eriskay’s Miguel Sanchez was positive however, “America and Germany have been the most prolific in terms of producing these types of people over the years, but every European nation has at least one representative who has got involved with Gaelic and gets known as the French guy, the Italian bodach, or that American lassie. Yet some countries don’t pull their weight! Who’s the Gaelic learner from Turkey who everyone is really impressed by his blas for example?”

Miguel continued “It can be a crapshoot in terms of whether they’ll be pretty intense but ultimately sound, or whether they will be focan terrifying and will wage a psychological war via social media upon other Gaelic learners. Ach co-dhiù, Gaelic is a broad church and beggars can’t be choosers and most of us islanders are pretty àraid ourselves, it’s all a bit of craic! If they take a srùpag or a dram, that’s alright by me.”

Gary MacCoinnich of Clì-mate Crisis Alba said that more needs to be done for poorer nations – “We really do need to help the global south produce more Gaelic learners though. Sure there are a couple of Brazilians on Instagram and yer man who’s the piper, but people complain that we need more POC and BAME in Gaelic, so let’s get down to it, and get Gaelic learning into these Sub-saharan nations as a matter of urgency. We really need to have the Botswanan Wifie and the Cameroonach as welcome as the Swedish fella. I’m hopeful, you have to be, what with Speak Gaelic. Yet, is 2040 too late to get this done? The World is watching”