Bacon Causes Cancer but Booze and Fags still fine

The Highlands and Islands of Scotland are today breathing a collective sigh of relief  after a World Health Organisation report confirms that it is actually bacon that causes Cancer and not booze, fags and huffing petrol as once feared.

“Hahahahahaha booze” says visibly drunk Highland Council health spokesman Tam MacPints who to spite not having read the report and having had vodka for breakfast implemented a swift turnaround in council policy.

Stock prices in so called “ebacon” appears to have rocketed globally with many view it as a healthier alternative to traditional animal based bacon.

The western Isles council has been more reserved in its reaction to the report due to its reliance on CalMac breakfast revenues and an all meat diet:

“This morning I mixed some crispy pancetta in my pipe tobacco and I am still here. Science bitches.”

Prime minister David Cameron has welcomed the report’s findings and has rejected calls that he attempted to influence the W.H.O to get revenge on a former lover.