Away and cac! Relief as 2021 Cacathon Norf 500 gets go-ahead

Organisers of this year’s Norf Five Hunner Cacathon were relieved to hear that Nicola Sturgeon is intending on further relaxation of Covid restrictions.

The now annual Cacathon sees participants work their way round some of the most scenic laybys in the Highlands, wherein they are required to take a time-stamped selfie whilst doing their business before moving onto the next layby, all against the clock.  At the end of the journey, competitors post their photos as an Instagram montage with the fastest overall time being awarded the coveted Cacathon ‘Golden Roll’ oftoilet paper.  

There are also runner-up prizes for fastest supermarket sweep of Dingwall Tesco, most creative use of a selfie-stick and bestobstructive driving between Clachtoll and Scourie (which features the most challenging segment of sitting on your arse in a gas-guzzler, polluting the pristine environment).  

Organisers had been concerned that physical distancing guidelines would be difficult to adhere to in some of the most spectacular laybys, given less serious competitors’ tendency to linger post-shite.  Highland Council had suggested that Norf Five Hunner could provide marshals at the most troublesome spots to keep things moving. 

However, speaking from his secret base/condo in the Cayman Islands, the shadowy altruist known only as Jeremy was dismissive of the idea.  Asked with whom the responsibility lay in terms of providing suitable resources for the event, Jezza replied ‘not with me.’ 

Luckily, the problem seems to have been solved now the government has stopped giving two hoots about covid.

2020 ‘Golden Roll’ winner Jimmy MacGlashlan, Paisley said he had been delaying his 2021 effort and weeklongpreparatory feast of curries until he had heard more reassuring news:

‘Folk don’t realise the preparation that goes into this.  My whole campaign almost came to an end last year when I misread the opening hours for the Spar in Durness.  Although my camper was full of diesel courtesy of the 24 hour fuel pump, the guy driving it was running on empty.  This left me with a long wait in Bettyhill until things got going again.’

With the busiest year ever ahead, the laybys likely won’tknow what’s hit them.  In an effort to ensure a smooth flow, Jeremy – whose Linkedin profile proclaims him ‘the goose that laid the golden egg’ – reminds competitors of the event’s2021 slogan: ‘It’s time to shit or get off the spot.’