Amber Rudd changes name to Green Amber Rudd

It has emerged that the former Home Secretary is to change her name to Green Amber Rudd in an effort to bring some joy into her life and the lives of all of us in the pre-post-Brexit wasteland. The move has caused controversy however with many traffic lights flashing angrily at Rudd and staying on red for ages.

A temporary traffic light on the A9 wrote to us to voice their (gender-neutral) frustration: “red, red and amber, green. Green. Amber. Red. Red and amber. Green.”

Mary “the bollocks” Pollocks of the Green Cross Code Foundation also had concerns over safety: “is it safe? Is it? Is this safe? Is it though? Safe?” she said before scuttling away to chew on a conker.

We have since heard Mary was tragically killed while navigating a zebra crossing dressed as a hedgehog.

It wasn’t a car. Someone hit her with a spade.