5 Top Tips for hiding from the Crofting Commission.

Happy Meat

Crofters, we’ve all been there haven’t we? Just sat down for a hearty breakfast of boiled mince and Sweetheart Stout when who should knock at the door but some jobsworth from the Crofting Commission.  Use our 5 handy tips to make sure that your little 28 acres never gets recorded or taxed.


  1. Misdirection – Signs saying “We are a health resort” and “Crofting commissioners will be shot on sight” will be sure to give that mustachio bastard from the commission the slip.


  1. Speak Gaelic poorly – The one thing that Croft inspectors hate more than miscounted turnips is poorly spoken Gaelic. Dial that shit Gaelic up to ten to send those spade faced mustache lovers packing.


  1. Farm only wolves – Potatoes make poor guards and border collies have been known to herd passing Crofting Inspectors into the house. Wolves make terrible mince but will ensure the bastards from the Cro-Co Po-Po with their beautiful mustaches never make it past your door.
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The Eurasian Wolf also known as the “Land Seal” seen here playing musical statues.

  1. Move to Caithness – Commissioners rarely leave their sundrenched villas on the Inverness Riviera.


  1. Only work on the Sabbath – Most inspectors like to spend the Lord’s Day at home recording the boundaries of their garden. Harvest on the Lord’s Day to croft on the down-low and ensure your produce is extra holy.